Wrestling with my memories

I was watching wresting the other night and I have to say that it doesn't hold up like it did in the old days.
You see, in the old days, it was a probably a 40/60 mix of talent and gimmick, in that respective order.
In the 80's you didn't have to be in any tone or shape to be a wrestler. Now I know that everyone says that the 80's was where steroids became prominent but when you watch old matches and see guys like Hillbilly Jim or Arn Anderson you have to know that the juicers were far and few. Or at least were very obvious. See Lex Luger.

But watching wrestling as a kid made me realize how stupid I was. Or for that fact, how stupid must adult fans were too. As a kid, I thought professional wrestling was a sport. A lot of people did. When I saw Hulk Hogan get hurt badly, I was yelling at the T.V. screen with great concern. Hulk Hogan was HURT! He can't LOSE!? Can he?
But sure enough, Hulk would then get to his feet, shaking his hands, waving the finger, the big boot and the leg drop. Living room goes wild.
Damn I was stupid.

Now as a kid, I can understand why I might have overlooked certain things. Adults? I have no explanation. It must have been the New Coke formula messing with our brains.

Here's some reasons why I should have know wrestling was fake as a kid:

#1: The Gimmicks. This should have been the number one tip off on it not being a sport. It all starts with Ted Dibiase. Or you might know him as The Million Dollar Man. He would get into the ring wearing a diamond encrusted gold belt with a big $ on it. He would pay people in the crowd money to do stupid things, if only to embarrass them and show how as a millionaire he was better then him. But here is the million dollar question: Why would a millionaire need to wrestle professionally? He's a MILLIONAIRE.  In todays modern wrestling it's not unheard of that some of the wrestlers are worth that much. In the 80's? Not so much. Other gimmicks made just as little sense. Why would Nikoli Volkoff be allowed to wrestle in the United States? Weren't we in the middle of a Cold War? How did he get a work visa?  If George the Animal Steele is really that unbalanced then wouldn't it be a hazard to have him wrestle? The Undertaker defies logic. Was he dead? Was he possessed? And what was his motivation to wrestle? Let's not forget the Ultimate Warrior. That guy was batshit crazy. He was an entertaining batshit crazy but listen to his interviews on You Tube and you'll understand why that, combined with everything else above, should have been the obvious tip off that wrestling was fake.

#2: The referees. I know every professional sport has players, coaches, and owners who complain about the referees. And yes, there are calls that are blown weekly that impact the outcome of those contests. But Pro Wrestling? Worst referees ever. This was the common formula for a wrestling match: Good Guy wrestler is winning. Bad Guy wrestler is losing. Bad Guy wrestler's manager, valet, or associate causes distraction. Bad Guy wrestler obtains foreign object. Good Guy is victim of foreign object. Bad Guy wins! And this series of events happened every week. Sometimes twice on the same show. And Championship Titles would be lost this way. And these referees that would blow these matches? They would still be officiating the next week.
And the pattern would repeat. And the funny thing? If a wrestler were to lose the title, you'd have to think that the commissioner would see the footage, fire the ref, and reverse the decision. But it never happens.  Is it any wonder why Vegas didn't take bets on wrestling back then?

#3: STEEL EVERYTHING!!! When a wrester gets hit by a chair it isn't just a chair, it's a STEEL chair. Thrown into the guard rail? Uh uh, it was a STEEL guard rail. Heads are ran into STEEL steps. Oh my god! He was just hit with a STEEL chain!!! Are those brass knuckles? Fuck no! Those are STEEL knuckles!! STEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
If there was one thing all wrestling announcers wanted you to know it's that everything was made out of steel. And steel is the most dangerous thing to a wrestler. And if a wrestler were to be hit with that much steel in real life with the velocity being used? They'd be dead. Yet they never were.......

#4: The Wrestling Manager. This is an absurd concept that made no sense. Wrestlers, mostly bad guy wrestlers, had managers. Now these managers, in theory, were supposed to be advisors who were supposed to help coach their wrestler in strategy in order for them beat their opponent. But as stated as above, they would mostly run interference so their wrestler could cheat, usually with a STEEL object. Bobby Heenen, Freddie Blassie, Captain Lou Albino, Paul Ellering, J.J. Dillon....none of these guys ever seemed to do anything other then cheat. Maybe that was their strategy. But any dumb ass could come up with that on their own. And if you didn't have the smarts to be a manager? You were a valet. Meaning you were a hot chick that distracted the Ref with their hotness. And sometimes you were a pimp like Slick. And Paul Bearer (Get it?....duh....)? Sometimes you were a funeral home owner who carried an urn. Huh.

#5: Hulk Hogan. As my final entry as to why wrestling was fake in the 80's, I go back to an earlier point. I give you the inventor of Hulkamania. Actually, that was probably Vince McMahon's idea. Actually, anything about Hogan was all because of Vince. Yes, Hogan had a name for himself well before coming to the WWF but Vince marketed him perfectly and made Hogan synonymous with wrestling. Vince came up with a great formula. But the problem was that he ran the formula into the ground. Remember the situation I listed above where Hogan would get hurt, Hulk up, do his thing, and win? It happened almost all the time. Almost every detail EXACTLY the same each time. We could almost set our watches to this moment. At the 3/4 part of every match that scenario would happen. Now if that incident only happened once in Hogan's career then it would be a thing of legend. But to happen almost every match? Scripted beyond all belief.

So I seem to be bashing the 80's wrestling a lot. Especially after saying the current state of wrestling is much worse. And it is. All that hokey fun that was the 80's was still fun. Now, wrestling is 30/20/50. That is 30% image, 20% talent, and 40% gimmick. Why do I have image and gimmick as two separate things? All wrestlers have to have a certain over muscular look. It's harder to tell most of them apart. The Talent side? Doesn't matter anymore. There are some good wrestlers out there, but they are far and few. And the Gimmick is more important then ever. Everyone has a catch phrase. Everyone shouts into the mic. Everyone is a stereotype of a stereotype.

But somewhere out there....an 8 year old thinks it's real.
And in the end, anything is as real as you want to believe it is.