On a day like this it's good to be Thankfull for stupid things.

My week of hell is almost at an end.

Working retail will hurt you every time.

But on Thanksgiving there is always something stupid you can make fun of.
Here's my top five:

#1: Thanksgiving day parades.
I've never been a fan of parades to begin with. Cars driving by with people waving. Horses or other animals going by and crapping. At least several performance squads from local high schools or colleges. All at a very slow pace. It's heaven for old people. But here is when parades even get worse: When they are on TV.
WTF? Really? What entertainment can be gleamed from watching this on TV? Worst Idea Ever.

#2: Stores being closed.
Why? What makes this holiday big enough to have everything closed? If I need some milk that means I have to pay $9.00 at a local gas station. I call bullshit. I will never understand the love affair between the average person and Thanksgiving/Columbus Day. We wiped out the Native Americans, how should be celebrate? Shut down banks and let's eat Turkey!!!

#3: This being the only holiday that people seem to eat turkey.
If you want a good turkey you unfortunately have to wait for this time of the year. This seems to be a horrible tradition. Let's expand our horizons. "Hmmm, how what should I make for Arbor Day dinner this year? I got it! Turkey!!". Let's make this bird know fear mankind year round. Next time you have a Bar Mitzvah, a wake,  Valentines Day, or are recovering from a heart attack: Think Turkey.

#4: The Detroit Lions.
They haven't been a good team for over a decade. Quit making it mandatory that they have to have games broadcast on Thanksgiving.

#5: People who start lining up at retail stores midday Thanksgiving.
About noon today the first of a large group of deranged shoppers will start lining up at retail outlets everywhere just so they can save a little extra money. Or worse, they're resellers who buy up these deals only to exploit buyers on EBay or Craigslist. For 10 years I have faced the likes of these people. And I still have to ask, is it worth it? And because of them I have to wake up every Black Friday morning at 1:30 A.M.

So now I'm off to clean the floors, sit in a chair, and watch the Lions lose again.

Then it's off to bed at 7 P.M. tonight.

*Sigh*.....

Everybody seems to hate a mouse unless it's animated

Let's talk Muppets.

Muppets are a fond memory of my childhood. Be it Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, or Fraggle Rock, it's hard to find any faults in the funny felt figures. Well, except for Elmo. Did you ever notice how the number of people diagnosed with A.D.D. quadrupled after that jackhole was introduced? But this isn't about Elmo. Instead it's about a mouse and his kingdom violating a childhood institution.

It all starts with a commercial. It's a scene of your favorite Muppets cavorting around Disneyland/World/Euro/Dungeon. And that is wrong. If you didn't know, Disney bought the Muppets back in 2004. But it's only been recently that they have been exploited to sell the virtues of Disney. And that should say a lot about Disney when the product can't sell itself.

I've always had some issues with Disney. Yes, as a kid I liked Mickey. Or at least until the age of 5. Then I discovered the Muppet Show and Warner Brothers much more interesting Bugs Bunny and friends. Has Disney done good things? Yes. It introduced such radical concepts such as the first bi-polar cartoon character in Donald Duck as well as all his relatives and peers who would make up the universe of Duck Tales. Disney introduced a science fiction movie called the Black Hole which was far from kid friendly and that made it awesome. And lastly they pushed other animation studios and children's outlets to put out much better product then them.

So why hate Disney? I'll give you 3 reasons:

#1: The Princess Mentality. If there is one thing that I always thought was shady on Disney's part and that is the pushing of the Princess Mentality. What is that, you ask? The majority of Disney's animated movie works focused on one common theme: Women can't do shit unless there is someone there to bail them out. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid...they all fuel a mentality of weak female independence. And ultimately it fuels a mentality in the young girls who look up to these woman as role models that they need to be saved. The first of the 3 movies I listed above were made in a time when it was ok for guys to be douchy and women better know their place. These movies didn't help the women's movement at all and I feel are something that stunts the growth of woman in general. But, hey, that could just be me.

#2: Disney the Whore Factory. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan and so on......it's hard to argue that Disney has the ability to make huge stars out of young women. But what they truly suck at is taking responsibility for them creating monsters and then cutting them loose once they outlive their usefulness. Now I will agree that not all of this is on Disney. 3 of the 4 aboves parents are perhaps some of the most manipulative and enabling parent around. But Disney has often been hypocritical of not nurturing their talent and letting them get to the destructive point. And then once their talent does implode, only then does Disney take a moral stance and say "YOU ARE NAUGHTY!" and then distance themselves from them, well after they have wrung every last cent of profit from them. Exploitation at it's worst.

And #3: Mickey is boring as hell. Seriously. Watch any of his cartoons and try your best to not be bored to tears. Mickey has always been a cypher. His character only exists to fill whatever role that needs to be filled by Disney. Mickey is much like a stereotyped model in the sense that he's cute to look at but if you talk to him  for longer then 10 minutes you realize that there is nothing there. I have always thought that Mickey pales greatly in comparison to Bugs Bunny. When you see Bugs, you know he is a funny, mischievous character. He has identity, which can't be said for Mickey.

So going back to their recent use of the Muppets, it easily makes me realize that even Disney realizes that their own product is weak. Disney movies are only entertaining if Pixar has a hand in it. Their live TV is only good until their young stars learn about blow. And their former bread and butter of it's characters needs to be pimped by much more interesting intellectual properties.

And in the end, something funny and charming ends up feeling hollow and prostituted.

And that makes me sad.

Just because their pretty doesn't mean their not tasty.

I had an conversation at work last night about a near and dear topic to me. But before I go into that, let me set it up first.

You ever notice that pretty or attractive people usually have more of an easy life? Or maybe "easy" isn't the right word.....maybe they have more opportunities given to them because people are willing to do more for them. We all know these type of people. They are the ones that are given jobs that are not a proper fit for them. They are the ones who can coast a bit easier through life because people are always willing to either pick up the slack for them or altogether pull all of their weight. They are the ones who are forgiven much easier for their mistakes or transgressions.

They are envied because of their ability to achieve all of this.

Animals aren't much different, either.

Certain animals coast through life much like people. If you're an animal and can look cute, do tricks, or generate pity then you've got it made. We keep you as pets. We put you on TV. We put you in zoos and try to make you procreate. We put you on pedestals.

And that is why we must eat these bastards.

Just like in Revenge of the Nerds when the Jocks got their comeuppance at the hands of Booger and Gilbert, these "beloved" animals needs to get served up with a side of mashed potatoes.

This is where the conversation last night comes into place. A couple of coworkers and I were talking about the merits of a bird feeder. I made the comment that a bird feeder is a renewable source of food. One of my coworkers responded in a traditional level of shock I'm used to: "Wait...are you saying that you would eat birds that go to a bird feeder? That's GROSS!". This was great. This is the equivalent of tossing a lazy softball at me. I was going to hit this out of the park. So I ask the loaded question "So you're saying it's wrong to eat birds?". And what was their response?

"Yeah!".

Heh.

So I took the time to drive home the point that by that logic we should never eat chickens and turkeys. And they argued back that THOSE birds are ok to eat. And my response was an easy one: We only eat those animals because they are ugly as hell. Need proof?

 
You take a quick look at these guys above and then only thing that goes through your head is whether you should either fry or bake them.

Now look at these guys:

We take a look at these guys and let out a big ol' "AWWWWWW!!!!!"

Screw that. Deep fry them and slather them in buffalo sauce.

And it's not just birds that get off easy. Take the common pig and cow. I love bacon and nothing is better then a well cooked steak. But we eat them because they are dumb and ugly. Maybe if they did some tricks we might spare them. Don't believe me?

And the sad thing is that Wilber did jack$h!t! It was a spider doing all of his public relations!

Now I'm not saying that we should all go out and start eating dogs and cats but you have to appreciate the hypocrisy in all of this. And if we were to discover that dogs tasted like fillet mignon? Last chance Saturdays at PetSmart will turn into buffets.

And so we come to one of my great desires: To have an endangered species/protect animal buffet before I pass away.

So as I leave you to ponder what I've wrote, I give you my menu for this fantastic meal:

Roasted Panda

Bald Eagle Wings

Dolphin Sushi Rolls

Stir Fry Zebra

Sounds delicious, doesn't it?

See you all later.

When you get raised by T.V., unfortunately you get me....

If there is one thing that can be said, it's that if you watch enough Television at 3 A.M. you tend to have a distorted view of life. But sometimes that is a good thing.

But first, let me let you know where I'm coming from and where I'm going.

My name is Mike. And a lot of people don't get me at first. But those that do? I like the smiles and laughs I put into their lives. And for that I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have a wife who loves me. Trust me, there are many guys who have wives who don't. I'm lucky to have about 4 good friends. Because most people think they have dozens of friends and actually have none. And I'm lucky that I've made is this far without snapping.

So what the hell does all of this have to do with T.V. at 3 A.M.?

I give you a simple answer: Logan's Run.

I love this movie. It was made the year I was born. And it's something that is so amazingly weird that it's charming.

Imagine a world where you have to die at 30. Why? That was never clearly explained. But when you do die it is in the way I want to die: Catapulted into the air from a spinning carousal while dressed like a Mexican Luchador and wearing a hockey mask while somehow exploding through means unknown.

Toss in high-tech whore distributing mirrors, a space age train set, a naked-people freezing robot, and a grizzly-looking Mr Howell from Gilligan's Island and you can only wish that this is a future that's going to happen. This movie is the kind of movie you either hate or love. And you need to watch this movie so you can figure out which it is.

For those of you who haven't seen this surreal Science Fiction movie I implore you to buy it, rent it, or illegally download it if that's what you do. But don't watch it at any old time of the day. No. You have to watch it at 3 A.M.

Why?

Easy. Because at 3 A.M. is when everything somehow makes sense. As soon as I got cable at the age of 13 there was one thing I had to do. Watch it as much as possible. Why? Never having cable before I had to make sure I made up for lost time and immerse myself into what can only be a cultural wasteland. Up until then my stupid latchkey self had to make do with whatever was on 5 to 6 channels. If that meant reruns of Bewitched, then so be it. But once I had cable, GAME ON!

But there was a trick to all of this: We only had cable on one television. So for me to watch as much as I could AND what I wanted to watch it would have to be during the day, which during school days is hard to do. So on weekends? Up until 3 A.M.

So why do things at 3 A.M. make sense? Simple. You are tired. And when you're tired you don't over-think things. Nor do you have all of the millions of other things that we have to deal with running through our head. It gives you the luxury to focus on what is in front of you. Infomercials become amazing odysseys into how the unnecessary makes your life easier. Syndicated reruns are much more plentiful in variety and expose you to how easily we are amused by the past. The Weather Channel becomes the equivalent of reading War and Peace in the sense that you'll never get to the end of the story no matter how hard you try. And movies are the best of all. Because at 3 A.M. you get to see other peoples dreams and visions and then realize that no matter how bad, bizarre, and poorly thought out their dreams are, at least they were able to see it through to the end.

And that has to give you hope. It gives you hope that if some guy was able to take a book and make an even weirder sci-fi movie out of it that you have to be able to accomplish something in your life as well. And when you look at what may seem bad on the surface, a closer look finds comedy in the absurd.

Getting shot into the air and getting blown up while looking like Freddy Mercury takes on a whole new meaning. It means there is funny ass $hit out there and if you stop taking things seriously for a second you can find humor in anything.

It also makes you realize that there are those out there who takes themselves too seriously too. And they are even better to laugh at.

At 3 A.M., everything seems a whole lot clearer.

I don't stay up to 3 A.M. anymore. Why? Because I'm getting older. I have responsibilities. I have amazing wife who I'd rather spend time with and cuddle next to each night. And the fact that I stayed up to 3 A.M. for almost 14 years straight has filled me with enough clarity that it's now time to focus on the B.S. which is the real world. When I walk outside of my home, my life is one of tolerance. I put up with everyone else. Then I come home and my wife sets me straight. Then I watch T.V. And I rip the living hell out of it.

So this blog is going to be a lot of things. It will be a place to muse. It will be a place to reflect. It will be a place to rant. It will be whatever I want it to be. It might not make sense at first. But if you read it at 3 A.M. it might change your mind........